Just what the header says! This page is where I'll write anything that comes to my mind, I could talk about my day or stuff that made me happy or made me upset, literally just anything! I will date these entries but once i figure out how to I can add links to specific entries on the page, because the way this will be set up is latest entries will be closest to the top, frankly I don't know if I'll just number them or if I'll put a title or something if I'm wanting to...Just read around, I don't care at all if this is all embarassing 'cuz hey. Hormones will eff you uppppppp but we trek on! (P.S. Some entries could have images as well :-P )
3-16-2025
I don't know what's up with me all of this sucks. Instead of being a pussy and worrying about life and death I'm just thinking about all the things i hate and I'm just so unhappy with reality but who isn't I am not special by any means, I love my freinds, one of my friends isn't talking to me but I still like them and I care about them a lot. I feel bad I keep getting irritated talking to people, I hate life a lot but not eough to KMS or anything hell no I could never, I just wanna take a break from being me. I want to see life thorugh someone elses experiece ya know. I don't know what I'm getting at right now. It is monday tomorrow I hate my school, my assignments are all stupid and school is technically almost over but I just HATE school AND summer too. During the Summer I get nothing done, which I guess I could fix by getting a job, but I do not want to deal with all the people here I hate it here. I wish the things I like made me happy like they used to, It just feels like things don't last as long anymore, I know it isn't true but I feel like i don't have anybody to talk about the things I like with--which is stupid for e to say because I am the one who makes it set in stone that I can't talk about things with peoplebecause I am so scared of people not thinking the same as me and I know it is dumb trust meI AM SOOO AWARE ALL THE TIME. I just wanna be able to talk to someone, I wish I didn't have all these thougts all the time, I really don't wanna be me being me sucks so bad, I would HATE myself if I was someone else and I met me, christ it sucks so bad. When you don't like anything and can't get enthusiastic about anything then how are [eople supposed to stand you and actually be friends with you, I waste a lot of my day by being online, which I know is very very very bad but it is also like, How else do I escape it all? I have too many feelings it hurts a lot but it doesn't matter even LMAOOAOAOo I don't know this whole entry means nothing, parting words? I don't know, someone kill me ig.
3-14-2025
Yeah, I haven't been here in a while, hello online diary =). I just need to get all my thoughts out, I feel too bad actually telling any of my friends how I feel, especially because it is so mild and I am not having a mf panic attack over it or anything, I just feel sad. I watched a video about a teen with cancer saying he is afraid of being forgotten. He recently tured my age too I believe. The whole idea of being forgotten is so frightening to me, I hate it. I have this idea and belief that I will make movies and I am GOING TO MAKE IT HAPPEN but sometimes I really don't believe that anymore. I feel just. nothing. a lot. But yk hormonal teen so of course I don't feel well, but why does it have to be every day. I feel so bad because I bitch and moan about being lonely and missing what I used to have and then when anybody wants to spend time with me I'd rather be alone. I do not get it. I don't see a point in making friends in this crappy state if I am just going to graduate and move soon anyways, I don't want to make new friends to be in my life, I want to have the ones I got used to and love. One of my friends has not spoken to me in months and it is tearing me apart, I feel so lonely. I barely draw anymore, right now I am trying to draw Andre and Cal but I do not really like it all that much. I think about being friends with ficitonal characters a lot, why can't some of them just be real and why can't I have someone to spend time with? Months, I've felt weird. I don't get happy talking about my own characters anymore, that was all I used to draw and think about. I want to watch movies all day and distract myself from the world around me, because why experience life for yourself when you can see it through a screen. I don't mean like this, via the internet persay, I mean with a camera. This sounds so scattered but I do not care. I wish I coould just see myself when I go through my day, I hate realizing that i am actually doing all of this and making things happen and existing I wish I could just watch myself like I was some character instead, because i realize that if I were a character I would like myself so much better. If you described a character with almost all of my personality and life, then I would think that thhey are so cool and wow I would be friends with them, or at least find them interesting, but then when I think about if I was somebody else and I was given a chance to interact with myself? Jesus, I would beat the shit outta me. Oh boohoo teenager doesn't like themself, I really do not. Even when I find things about myself that I like, I know these things will change and I won't feel that way anymore. I feel guilty talking to my friends, their lives are better and worse than mine, they have so much going on, theyre having the time of their lives or they aren't and I just feel bad because I feel like. Disconnected I guess, like I'm not the same kind as them. That sounds so selfish but I don't mean it to mean that I think I am better than them, I mean it like I feel like an outsider who doesn't understand basic life experiences when others tell me about them. I don't do anything, I am always alone unless it is with family, but that does not matter I still feel so alone and I'm afraid of trying to go out and do whatever creative thing I want to make a living out of, but I am too scared of embarassing myself even if there is nobody else around. At this point, movies and music are the only things I feel like I have. I wish I could have a pet or something, I wish I had a friend but I want a real friend who I can be open with and be myself with because god knows I'm probably forgetting how to do that in the first place.
2-26-2025
HHHHHIIIIIIIIIIIII I know I haven't been here in EVER but I just didn't know what to add honeestly. Things have absolutely sucked lately, right now isn't the worst but I'm just really tired and I just feel shitty. I don't even realize how long these periods of time are (when I feel like crap n sad and whatever) until someone tells me I've been off, then it's like dang really? Didn't know anyone could tell haha. I'm listening to The Mind is a Terrible Thing to Taste right now, I wanted to check out more Ministry songs because I like industrial stuff and also because Theives was in Brutal Legend!!!! Pretty dope so far, I could add it to my playlist. I'm really tired and I'm kind of stressing because my teacher put my project as a missing even though I turned it in!!! I just left the room when she played it for everyone because itw as really loud, I HATE hearing myself talk, and also because I had to pisss because I couldn't go in the beginning of class because we had a fire drill :/. Whatever though, I'll ask her about it tomorrow I guess. I really really hate this school, I really only look forwward to one class, which is my American Literature class, I really like the teacher and I just like reading and writing a lot. I hope I did well on my test I had yesterday, I moreso care about how I did on the written portion, though. My birthday is coming up and I get to hang out with a friend for the weekend, pretty sick and I'm looking forward to it but also I just don't like that my birthday is coming up either. Gonna be ## which suuuckkkssss so bad. I keep getting really scared and paranoid about dying, because I usually avoid it but for a while I've just been thinking about it and how I am going to be forgotten. I'm probably only going to make it to 70 something, which is a long time yeah but in this UNited States of Disorder I don't wanna last that long, I won't be able to do what I want or live happily ya know. Birthday coming up, I just hope my parents got me CDs or something, I'll probably try to get a job after my birthday, which means I'll have less time to talk to my friends and I'll have less time alone. I hate being along but I also really need to be alone, It is so confusing. My friend has not responded to any of my messages for about a month almost two, I really miss them. I was going through our book of drawings and it felt nostalgic, can you feel nostalgic for a time that wasn't even a year ago? I don't know. I really hope they are okay, I hope norhing is wrong and I hope they are not mad at me or anything. I miss drawing with them, I haven't been drawing as much lately in general but I really wanna draw with them. There are so many things I want to watch but I can't because it's not with them. I miss being able to talk to people and having someone by my side who makes school better. I don't like anyone here, this place sucks. I really fucking hate this place and I hate being alive sometimes. - 12:16pm
1-29-2025
Ho. Ly. Crap dude. I'M WRITING THIS FROM SCHOOL HOW COOL IS THAT!!! EVERY OTHER COMPUTER HAS NEOCITIES BLOCKED UMM ANYWAYS!!!!! I'm listening to Slayer right now (Tom Araya my faave), Disciple just finished, I really love that song because God Damn I've been feeling that lately. Man today really really REALLY sucks so far, and it's not even because anything has really happened, It's just because I've been thinking too much lately. Yeah David Lynch's passing screwed me up bad. Like, thinking about death and how none of this matters is so bumming. I'm not as upset right now becasuse truth be told I'm just goofing off right now, but I was not having a good time earlier, and I probably won't be having a good time later. My Holy Wood CD was suppposed to get here yesterday but now amazon says....."likely delivered yesterday" THAT IS SUUCH BULLCRAP WTF!!!11!! I haven't listened to any song from that album for like a week to get myself hyped for. my first listen-through of my CD, but it probably won't come in for a while. I just hope it comes today or tomorrow... I was gonna write about Donnie Darko last night but I had a headache and just ugh I wanted to sleep. I really like movies, escapism is what I excel in! My friend said I'm a gatekeeper because I hate other people liking what I like but it's like...hmmmm like I'm SO happy to recommend movies/shows/media to people but I get too excited and attatched to stuff like that so when people share their thoughts about it and it differs from mine I genuinely feel like ripping my stomach out. I know it's extreme but I have nothing basically, I don't have friends I can hang out with or anything so I just indulge in my interests :p probably autistic or something lmao. Listening to Skinny Puppy right now, I've been listening to them a lot these week, man, movies have really shaped me hell I only know about Ogre because of Repo! and I know about Repo! because of (my parents and) Saw! I'm thinking of what to say, I had a lot to say earlier, about how I hate my teachers so much and especially my first period teacher, I like her class but her voice makes me wanna stabs my eardrums. Pro-Test by Skinny Puppy kicks ass I LOVE THIS SONG!!! I love VIVISectVI a lot too, but I can't find a cd of it that ISN'T 20 BUCKS!!!!! Uughhghh what everrrrrr. I might write about a movie, I have like 20 min to kill, cya l8r - 12:27pm
1-16-2025
What a sad day. Today in 6th period I learned about David Lynch's passing. I'm devestated, he is one of my favorite directors in the world, I find him very inspirational and how he made all of his movies and Twin Peaks was so interesting to me. I had a small dream to meet him one day, but now I can't do that. I hope his friends and family are going to be okay, he was only 78 and we don't know how he passed away but it's no secret he had health problems from smoking. Crazy to think about how we're never going to get another movie or interview from him, he just seemed like such a great guy and I love reading all of his interviews and his advice he gives to those who want to do what he did. Lost Highway, Eraserhead, Twin Peaks, so much of his work is so enjoyable and you can tell he truly did have a passion for it. I don't know what kind of afterlife he believed in, if he believed in one at all, but I hope he's at peace, the world will miss him greatly.
On a lighter note this week hasn't been this bad, other than Monday that sucked, but I'm very excited for next week because my CDs should be coming in!!!!! In art class we have to make a ceramic room (2 walls 1 floor) ((sounds like a bad shock video lol)) and I decided to make the Black Lodge from Twin Peaks, so maybe when I carve my name into it I will also put a little rest in peace message about David Lynch. I fell asleep last night watching Donnie Darko, one of my favorite movies everrr!!!!!! Best sleep I've ever gotten too. People at school really bug me, and some of my teachers bug me too but I like some of my classes, it's just the people I don't like, and the crowded halls like why can't you guys just MOVE instead of standing in the middle of the doorway to chat!!!!! I don't get it. I barely talk in school, I talk to myself a little when I walk home, though. The walk home isn't that bad, about 26 minutes which is waayyy less than if I took the bus home. Ugh...the bus...my enemy of the morning. OMG YEAH my dad got pizza today but he got like........not the best type, it's okay though it's still yummy :33 If I have time today I'll finish writing my review on The Golden Age of Grotesque and add more of my pictures to my things page, if they're rotated crappilyy ummm idc suck it (html is so hard guys). I'll report back if anything else happens today. - 4:06pm
1-8-2025
Currently at lunch in school. Today the power went out which means I didn't do anything in 3rd period and 4th was too easy. i already know what I'm gonna do next period and thrn my day is nearly over, nothing too serious. I saw a rotf kid in the hallway and I thought it was my friend i moved away from and thst made me kind of sad because i haven't talked to them in a while and I MISS THEM SO BAD, I barely talk in school now becausewho do I have to talk to ya know? On a better note last night my dsd let me order 2 CDs!!!!!! IM SO EXCITED TO GET THEMMMM ONE OF THEM IS HOLY WOOD THE OTHER IS ANTHEMS OF RUST SND DECAY IT'S GONNA BE FRESH AS HEEELLL!!!!!! Wanna know something that really pisses me off? Getting on the bus in the morning, I live so close but my mom can't drive me in the mornings, so I go to the bus stop and it isn't a long walk nor is the actual bus ride long but OH. MY. GOD. EVERYONE HAS TO HAVE HALF THEIR BODY IN THE AISLE and on top of that Everyone sits by themself so I feel so bad trying to 1. scan and look for a seat real fast while walking and then 2. sitting next to some random guy n having to look away so I don't make things weird. Out of respect I am kinda a hypocrite because I only sit halfway 9n the seat so my leg is in the aisle BUT THATS BC IM IN THE BACK AND IM ALMOST THE LAST STOP! SO I'M NOT BEING AN A-HOLE!!!!! Listening to Acacia Strain right now and chewing on the inside of my mouth, it kind of hurts but whatever. I can't wait for my CDs to come in the mail because then my analysis of Holy Wood will be much better, I've decided that I'm going to write my analysis of the triptych actually in order because duh that makes so much more sense, so I'm reading the lyrics to songs and piercing it together. I don't know what else to write I'll work on a diff page ttyl!!!! - 11:36am
1-5-2025
Happy New Year!!!! 2025 is going...well I guess boring nothing much has happened really lol. I spent hours today trying to fix the main page to this site (yeah no huge changes but I am SO proud of myself for managing to figure it out!!) Let's see hmmm yesterday I went to Goodwill and got Jackass Number 2 UNRATED on dvd for mearly 3 bucks!! Pretty awesome I LOOVE Jackass and CKY and all that stuff. I WAS going to try and make music play on some of my pages but I cannot because I am using the free version of NEocities.....screw you Neocites...But still whatever. I go back to school tomorrow, pray for me guys. I might put a section to add my burner email for this so people can ask me questions, mainly just to see if people actually view this, I genuinely don't care if people do or don't see this because it's just a fun project for myself. I GOT ALL MY STUFF BACK THANK GODDDDDDDD I HAVE MY CDS AND DVDS AND MUSIC AND MY BASS GUITAR (BEATRICE LUV U GURLLL) very happy about all of that, I'll photograph some of my cds and whatnot for my music/things page ;) I hope school isn't too bad tomorrow, I'll try to text my friend during class but I gotta actually focus because now I'm actually doing shit in class. OH YEAH I got my camcorder back :3 I'll take pictures and film stuff to put in my friend and I's shared drive, that'll be fun. So sad I can't bring my knife to school I love my knife. OH YEAH I FINALLY GOT TO WATCH GUNS, GOD AND GOVERNMENT! IT WAS AMAZEBALLS I'LL WRITE ABOUT IT ON MY MANSON PAGE...some day lol. Hmm I can't think of much to say right now, I'll Complain about school for yall when I get home tomorrow if the laptop is here, heheheh ummm parting words? WATCH BEGOTTEN!!!! ITS SUPER COOL!!!!! - 6:22pm
12-27-2024
Tis I!!! I forgot about this project LOL my fault but who's really reading anyways ya know?? Ummm not much had happened, I finally got a house and I'm in school again well not really because I'm on winter break so It's very boring. I'm gonna go to the park tomorrow so that'll be fun ;) It's still morning, I'm in the car rn because we're driving to get anOTHER car (kinda funny right) but anyways christmas happened! boring. I did grt a knife though and I LOVE IT<3 and I got a VHS of the Marilyn Manson Guns, God and Government tour <3 sigh life is good sometimes, I really didnt care about getting anything though I just wanted my brother to have a good day and I think he did so that's good. NEOCITIES IS PISSING ME OOFFFF IN THE CAR BUT WHATEVERRRRR I think tonight I'll watch Otis Uncut (2008) because I haven't watched it yet :3
GOD Okay, so I'm listening to music right, I can't wait until I get all of my stuff back because then I can rely on my CDs rather than Spotify or Youtube or whatever I HATE ADS. I HATE ADVERTISEMENTS I THINK THEY'RE ALL STUPID AS SHIT AND THEY MAKE ME SO MAD Like there is no point in playing a bazillioN ads before and after ONE song, you know where that wouldn't happen? My beautiful CD player... exactly. Alright that's enough for now, if anything happens today I'll add another entry - 11:38am
11-12-2024
lmao. I might have forgotten to update this X.X I wanted to but at the same time I felt like absolute crap so I didn't feel like typing out a bunch of html shtuff. Anywayssss I'm listening to Rings of Saturn right not I like the guitars a lot, yesterday I tried to take a nap but it sucked and was only an hour long but at least I listened to a lot of Nirvana. IDK today feels a little better than yesterday but I still feel really lonely which makes me sound like a loser but whatever, I really wanna talk about the things I like but I keep getting interrupted by my parents and I don't even feel like trying with my friends right now so I guess I'm doing this to myself by not saying anything. Onto more non heinous news I'm gonna be working on my pages today!! I'll add what I like to my interests page and then maybe I'll make a while section about Brutal Legend because it is my fave game ever and it makes me happy, IDK I don't think I'll do anything that cool today because I'm pretty sure my dad miiight be hungover so we won't go to the skatepark :/ but that's honestly fine with me I got too mad at myself because I'm a total wuss and can't just DROP IN but wtv. Let's see hmm did you know I play bass? No you didn'tttt because I haven't added anythig to my music page in a while, which I wanna work on more I just don't know how it'll get set up, I like how this page is, I could do something similar, I like the black background and colorful text it feels ilke I'm one of those cool people who made fansites hehe. I'll have to get a new sketchbook today OMG I drew Simon Henriksson fron Cry of Fear today because I was playing and FINALLY got to the first boss (and then died :P). Later losers I gotta update my website not just my online gaywad journal - 3:28pm
11-06-2024
Welp. Today really was something. I had this whole plan yesterday so my first entry would be something great and positive but today was just a bunch of bullcrap. Election day happened. Woke up and cried inthe shower, I'm completely scared and frankly hopeless right now I don't know what I can do except for just be quiet and try not to be the real me to anyone ya know. Horrible start to my day and I'll prolly be going to bed in like 3 hours or so and I still feel like utter trash. This really sucks, everything about America sucks donkey balls and I am just so so SO tired of everything in life right now. I miss my friends, I miss having fun, I've been stuck in one of those ruts lately where happiness doesn't last more than a few hours but sshh it's fine, it has to be fine, wanna know why? Because it all doesn't matter and I can't do anything, so I shouldn't be all bleh about it. I dunno though, today just made me feel bad, yesterday was bad too but who knows. Trying to think of something that isn't so emo to put here. Updating the website tomorrow most defiitely. I just wish I had more control over my life ya know. I drew some which is good but these past few days everything is just overwhelming and I's like to be in my own house w/ my own roooommm to be alone. I want all my stuff back man EFF this. Stay tuned for tomorrow..will things get better?...prob not but that's just my hormones talking I guess. Signing off - 6:20pm